This has been a hard Spring.
I would be lying if I said my relationship with God has been strong through these last few months. I'm in a place of spiritual turmoil as I continue to press forward with challenging questions of purpose for my life. As I reach out to God, I'm feeling helpless, unheard, and alone. I push God for answers, begging Him to change me, to not allow me to be the selfish, impatient, quick-tempered woman that I am. As I grow more frustrated, I see the reality of how weak my faith really is. As I continue through life not getting my way, my response is not to lean on God, but instead to turn away from Him. "I don't really want to talk with Him right now", was a common thought in my head. As if I know more than the one who created the entire universe, who created the earth, and who created and shaped me....
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John 5: 14-15
And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for. Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith. John 15:7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. -------------------------- I could continue and share more verses, but I think I've made my point. All over the New Testament we are told to ask God when we are in need, to ask God in times of discernment, and to ask God when we are wondering what it is He wants from us. All we have to do is to ask and according to scripture, it will be given to us. I've been a dreamer my whole life. I dream about possibilities, of the future, about life. Recently, as I've reached this spot of major discernment in my life, my dreams have been big. Things are bothering me about public schools, and as I prepare for my oldest child to begin school soon, I dream of a school that's different...that doesn't push standardized testing, that doesn't force kids to sit in a straight line or to be quiet most of the day, that teaches kids to love learning for learning, that doesn't teach material that is not at a child's developmental level unless they're ready for it, and that doesn't squash the love of learning from children who are born naturally in love with learning. So, I act upon these dreams. That's another thing about these dreams; they aren't only dreams to me. I see them as truly having potential to become reality. I really believe that I can make them happen. In high school, I was a part of a really good volleyball team. Volleyball was my life; I lived it, breathed it, loved it. Everyday during the summer, I'd spend my mornings training and afternoons playing volleyball barefoot in my yard with my cousins. The weekends were devoted to tournaments, and my best friends were my teammates. Our hard work payed off; we made it through the conference undefeated, then rolled through regional playoffs, and then found ourselves in the final game before the state tournament (the ultimate goal of every high school team and my big dream). The night before the match, I envisioned us winning, I dreamed of us winning...I could feel my dream becoming a reality. Then, we lost. We didn't make it to state. I was so angry, so frustrated, so hurt. I couldn't believe that all of my hard work, all of my time, all of my love was just going to be taken away from me just like that. As a senior, losing this game meant that I would never play formalized volleyball with this group of girls again, and the though completely devastated me. I'd dreamed big, and my dream didn't come true. Even now, I still feel that lump in my throat as I think about it. It was a horrible reminder that not all dreams come true. Flash forward to today. Like I said earlier, I still dream big. In addition to wanting to build a charter school, I also have the dream of becoming a homesteader and being able to stay home with my two children. I dream about being able to live as God intended me to live: raising my children and in service to Him. I dream of a garden filled with food that will support our family. I dream of disconnecting and getting back to living in nature. I dream..... So, we talk about making this a reality. My husband and I are very seriously giving thought to selling our house and building a smaller cabin out on a 40 acre land plot we own to make this happen. I dream of being able to stay home once again, and I send out my proposals. First, I propose to the curriculum director of our school district my idea of starting a charter school. She seems interested; she's giving it thought... I also email a local online school with a proposal to start a community service program through their school where I would create personalized, academic based, project based learning opportunities for the kids to earn their yearly required 8 hours of community service. The principal there, too, is interested and has told me she wants to talk. My hopes are high, my big dreams might become reality! Then the curriculum director for proposal #1 emails back. She sees my dream as a valid dream, and sees my vision as the future of education. Yet, she doesn't think we'd be able to pull together enough resources to make it happen. Squash. Dream shattered. The principal from the second proposal emailed me back the one time, but has not emailed me back again. I've prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed that her heart be open to the idea, that she'd see all of the benefits, that she would recognize all the good this would bring to her school. Yet, she stays silent. She doesn't respond to my follow-up emails. I hold on to some hope, but right now, things don't look good. Now, my dreams of being a stay at home mom in my little cabin are looking bleak. I've prayed about it....I've asked God. He doesn't answer either. Why have I been given this "gift" of dreaming, when so often these dreams lead me to grief? Why does scripture say that we should ask in prayer and then receive when it's a lie? C.S. Lewis has been quoted: “I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God. It changes me.” Perhaps my prayers are not in vain. Perhaps I'm changing through these prayers, these helpless cries. Maybe the dreamer in me is being silenced because it's not what God wants. I think about my three year old who earlier today almost hyperventilated because we didn't let him have a candy bar before nap. We knew it wasn't good for him and I told him to trust me when I told him we were saying no because we love him. There was no reasoning with him, though, as he screamed about it being unfair and continued to cry uncontrollably. I did what I usually do when he gets that way, I picked him up, and I hugged him. I acknowledged his anger and sadness, but I stayed firm on my decision. Eventually he calmed down enough that we could move on, but today the experience got me thinking. Though I'm not screaming and crying (yet) about all of these dreams (dreams that I want so, so badly) seemingly being destroyed in front of me, I am still very sad and hurt that what I've asked God for isn't being given. It still seems really unfair and really awful right now. Maybe what I want isn't what's best for me...though it does seem like it is. Maybe God is looking at me the way I looked at my son this afternoon. He sees me and wants to comfort me while still staying firm in His "I'm sorry, but no." Right now, I'm not sure. I don't know what to think. I hope that God has a plan for me and doesn't just want me to give up dreaming...but maybe that's exactly what he wants. What I am sure of is that God is there to comfort me, regardless of whether or not my prayers are being answered. What I am sure of is that even when my dreams are crushed and I am sad and angry, my God is still good. Lord help me to be patient, to trust you, and to keep on praying- even when you seem to be silent. -Sadie I’ve always liked Peter. He seems so relatable, so human, and so like us. He swore to Jesus that he would never desert Him, that he would stand strong in his loyalty, even if it meant dying (Mark 26-31). I think many of us, if told directly by Jesus that we would desert Him, would claim the same thing. It’s easy to say we’d do something if we aren’t ever put in a situation in which we actually have to do the thing we claim we would do. Many times we are big talkers, and we are hopeful that we can do the things that we say we will do, but oftentimes we fall short. We say that we would run into a burning building to save someone else. We say we’d take a bullet for a friend. We say we’d have opened up our house to Mary and Joseph if we had been there. We say we’d never abandon our faith….but when it comes right down to it, a lot of us end up doing just as Peter does: fall short and fail miserably. On the night before Jesus was crucified, Peter, who adamently claims he would never abandon or deny Jesus, does just that. In a moment of desperation and fear, Peter pretends to not know Jesus so that he can save himself from the pain that might come to him if he is found to be connected to Jesus. In an attempt to save his earthly life, he denies the one who can give eternal life. Now, we can’t hardly blame Peter for this. I can almost guarentee that I would have done this too, though I certainly would have been ashamed of it. It’s like when your mom or dad asks you if you hit your brother, and although you know you did it, you quickly lie to save yourself. It might work to get you out of the pinch, but that twinge inside of you remains, and you know the truth of what really happened and what you’ve done to your character. After Peter denied Jesus, Mark tells us that he broke down and wept (Mark 14:72). Oh, can’t you just imagine his pain, his humiliation, and his sadness as he realizes what he’s done. But the truth is that we all fall short of what God’s expectation is for us. We all fail, and sometimes it’s even as harshly as Peter’s failure. But what happens next is even more exciting. Peter’s life is entirely changed after this trial. He doesn’t take this experience and think, “Man, I guess I’m not worthy to be a follower of Jesus after all. I guess I should just give up and find a new religion.” He changes. He grows. He learns from what mistake he had made and becomes an even better follower of Jesus because of it. When Jesus rises from the dead, we hear him remind Peter of his denial (John 21: 15-19). Three times he asks Peter, “Do you love me?” and three times, Peter answers him, each time feeling the hurt and sting of being asked more than once. But Jesus’s purpose was not to embarass Peter or to push him away. Instead, Jesus’s prompting helped push Peter to become one of the most fearless proclaimers of the Christian faith in the early church. Without this denial, without this guidance from Jesus, Peter may not have played as critical of a role as he did in the development of the early Christian faith. Peter’s transformation is even more evident in his own stories. 1 Peter pushes the idea that we need to love one another, regardless of what happens to us or how we are treated. He reminds us that suffering for Jesus brings us closer to being like Jesus; our trust can be built even stronger (a big change from his experience the night before Jesus was crucified). Peter grew through his trials. When it came down to it, he denied Jesus. He abandoned what Jesus had told him--and he knew Jesus personally! If Peter denied Jesus, it’s bound to happen that we probably at some point in our lives might too. And if we’re not denying, we’re probably misrepresenting Jesus, speaking poorly about Jesus, or maybe lying about our faith in Jesus...We are human, and those things are going to happen in a world of humanity. However, the bigger and more important question is what do we do with it next? What do we do with that struggle? Peter, though he had an embarrassing and humiliating experience through his denial of Christ, talked about his experience and his transformation so that others might learn from what he did. We all have these experiences too; are we sharing them with others so that we can glorify God? Are we sharing our trials, our mistakes, our humiliating events of our past so that we can show what God can do if we turn those things over to Him? We always have the choice to serve God and show His love and the power of his forgiveness. By sharing our experiences, we can glorify God even more. Another disciple of Jesus's also fell short. The story of Judas committing suicide in his sorrow after realizing what he'd done by selling out Jesus's life for money is one of the most heartbreaking ones of the bible. If Judas had only remembered God's love...If Judas had took his failure and grew from it...I have no doubts God and Jesus would have given full forgiveness and would have used Judas's life for good. But, he remained so caught up in his own grief and anguish, he stopped seeing the light of hope from God and refused the love and forgiveness unconditionally given to him. His failure overcame him, and because of it, he lost his life. Suffering, trials, sadness, humiliation, and falling short of God's expectation are bound to happen. But we can use Peter as an example of what to do in that situation. We can choose: Do we take our experience and live out our failure like Judas or like Peter? Do we give up on it all, or do we try to grow, with God's help, in our faith? Where do we go next? “And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you. To Him be the glory forever and ever.” 1 Peter 5:10-11 -Sadie When I am lost and alone, When I stumble and falter, When I ignore God's will, God's still there...1/9/2019 Hosea 11
“When Israel was a child, I loved him, and I called my son out of Egypt. 2 But the more I called to him, the farther he moved from me,[a] offering sacrifices to the images of Baal and burning incense to idols. 3 I myself taught Israel[b] how to walk, leading him along by the hand. But he doesn’t know or even care that it was I who took care of him. 4 I led Israel along with my ropes of kindness and love. I lifted the yoke from his neck, and I myself stooped to feed him. 5 “But since my people refuse to return to me, they will return to Egypt and will be forced to serve Assyria. 6 War will swirl through their cities; their enemies will crash through their gates. They will destroy them, trapping them in their own evil plans. 7 For my people are determined to desert me. They call me the Most High, but they don’t truly honor me. 8 “Oh, how can I give you up, Israel? How can I let you go? How can I destroy you like Admah or demolish you like Zeboiim? My heart is torn within me, and my compassion overflows. 9 No, I will not unleash my fierce anger. I will not completely destroy Israel, for I am God and not a mere mortal. I am the Holy One living among you, and I will not come to destroy. 10 For someday the people will follow me. I, the Lord, will roar like a lion. And when I roar, my people will return trembling from the west. 11 Like a flock of birds, they will come from Egypt. Trembling like doves, they will return from Assyria. And I will bring them home again,” says the Lord. ------------------------------- I'll admit, I haven't been reading my bible lately. It's a terrible thing when life gets so busy that God gets pushed aside. It's a coping mechanism that I do often when life gets stressful; I push aside those who I know will always be there, those who love me the most, so that I can emotionally and mentally save my energy that would have been used on them, and instead use it on others. Because I know that my husband and my Lord will never leave me, it's easy to put them as the last priority and use my energy for other things that seem, at the moment, to be more demanding. Now, I know that this isn't healthy and it's not the right way to deal with things. I wouldn't recommend adopting this as your new strategy for dealing with stress...ultimately it only creates more stress and anxiety than before. Specifically in terms of placing God as an option rather than a priority, I find myself feeling unbalanced, foggy, and lost. When I get far away from God, I find that I am far away from myself. I am wandering through life, looking normal to the passerby; yet on the inside, I am an empty shell without hope and without purpose struggling to get through each day. And of course, there's always a breaking point. A time comes when I just can't stand to feel this way any longer, and I crumble and crack as I am reminded that I am not able to do this on my own. It is usually then that I recognize my distance from God, ask Him for mercy, and once again open up my bible in hopes of finding what has been missing. This happened yesterday. After another late night of working on things for my classroom, I finally crawled into bed around 11:30 p.m. Knowing that 5:30 a.m. would come soon, but unable to turn off my thought-cycling mind, I yearned for rejuvenation and encouragement. I opened my bible randomly, hoping God would lead me to something that would help me and lead me back to Him. I wasn't disappointed. Hosea 11 is a beautiful chapter told in the perspective of God as He watches Israel continuously choose to do things their way rather than walking with God. When God calls out, they go farther away. And it's not like Israel is upset by this; in fact they don't seem to be seeking God's will or word at all. In fact, God says, "But he doesn't know or even care that it was I who took care of him" (3). Israel is acting like a rebellious child, determined to live in this world on their own without any authority telling them what to do and the consequences of their sins are starting to pile up. God has given us the gift of free will, and I think it's evident here that our choices are not always what God would have chosen for us. Though God is all knowing, all powerful, almighty, He allows us to choose for ourselves if we want to walk with him or if we want to try to do things on our own. What I think is important is that God allows Israel to fail, to falter, to be destroyed...Though it makes Him sad to see what will happen to the peoples He loves so much, He recognizes that because of free will they are able to make that choice. And as they push against God through sin and resistance, the consequences of their choices begin to unveil. Wars break out and Israel will be destroyed. God doesn't stop it from happening. He allows it to happen, like He allows so many bad things that happen on this earth. The consequences of humanity's sins cannot be avoided in a world with free will. And while God allows it, He is still unhappy that they made the choice of choosing not to follow him ("My heart is torn within me, and my compassion overflows" 11:8). Yet, regardless of his unhappiness, He doesn't react in anger and He doesn't destroy them. Instead, He reminds us that someday we will all follow Him, when His son takes our place on the cross, when we are transformed because we have known Him, and when at last He "brings us home again" (Hosea 11:11). The peace in knowing that I am not alone, I am not the first one to try to do things on my own, is comforting. God knows our human nature, He knows our weaknesses and faults. Though I may disappoint Him, He has reassured me that His love and compassion for me are unwavering and never-ending. He reminds me through the prophet Hosea that if I want to find happiness, if I want to be at peace, I need Him. As C.S. Lewis said, "God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself because it is not there. There is no such thing." When I'm away from God, when I separate myself from Him, I cannot rest, I cannot be complete, because God is supposed to be a part of me. I believe we are all born with a desire and yearning for something more than the world can give us. It's not a coincidence. It's part of our nature, it's part of our divine design. As we were formed in God's image, He created a special place for Himself, and without Him, we are not complete. I remind myself of God's love, His mercy as He watches me fail Him time and time again, and His grace. Though I will constantly fall short in bringing God the glory that He deserves, I know He continues to love me. Though I wander off sometimes and try to do things on my own, I know He will forgive me. Though I don't deserve to walk even in His shadow, He's given me grace to one day kiss His face. I hear your roar, Lord, and I am returning trembling from the west. I am coming home. Blessings, Sadie 1 Peter 5:8-9
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. -------------- As I grow closer to God my desire to get away from this world grows inside of me. I've started to see the work of the ruler of this world for what it is; yet, having this knowledge doesn't make it any easier to prevent him from weaving his way into our lives. Satan knows our God given desires for community, for comfort, and for love and has used that to shape his kingdom. He's tricked us onto his merry-go-round ride, where the more you buy in, the faster you go. And it's easy to get on, it's easy to buy in because our world, Satan's world, is telling us that this is the way it should be! He laughs as he watches us, stuck and holding onto this spinning wheel of death, unable to break free of the grip he now holds on us. I wake up my children and rush them out the door. "We're late!" I shout at them as I try to squeeze their little feet into their shoes. My patience is thin as I buckle them in their car seats. No time for questions, no time for talk. I need to get to work. I need to get to money. I drop them off with a kiss and a hug, leaving them alone for a stranger to raise. I rush down the road, hustle into the school. Because of our government testing, I teach kids what I'm told to teach; rush to teach a lot in just one short year. If they don't get it, keep pushing, keep cramming, keep trying. Hurry to Music. Hurry to Art. Silent lines of children being trained to continue the cycle of hurrying, of racing, around and around. Satan beams as he watches mothers leave their children, surrendering to the power of money and insurance. He chuckles as he watches us pressurize children so that they can grow up to live in a world full of rushing, of working, of living on his ride. Through social media he dictates our actions and how we live our lives. He has convinced so many that technology is the way to being connected and he's grown in us a longing, a desire, an addiction to always knowing what's happening with the people around us. Rather than a night of reading or playing games, a family might be seen scrolling through Facebook or playing games online. Lonely eyes, jealous eyes, lusting eyes, sad eyes stare at a tiny screen that has now taken over our minds. Satan's manipulation of what it means to be connected has now shaped our cultural norms. And since we've been on this ride since we were just children, our ride is spinning faster. The more we have, the more we crave. I see it with my 3 year old now. I give him the phone to watch a video and he always wants more. Satan convinces us that we need more, that it's the only way to function in this society. He reminds us that we won't make it without his earthly possessions in this world. He tells us we need him. We need to live this way. I don't want to be on this ride any longer. As I grow closer to God, I beg of Him to take these worldly desires away. I yearn for a life like God intended us to have... I yearn to have enough Vitamin D because I'm spending time outside in God's creation. I yearn to eat food that hasn't been contaminated with pesticides and chemicals in an effort to mass produce to make the most profit possible. Food that I've sweated and worked over in an effort to feed my family. I yearn to stay home with my babies and raise them the way I want to raise them, not the way a stranger sees fit. I don't want to be wondering what other people are doing while I'm in the presence of other people. I don't want to be forced into things by insurance premiums. I want to get off of this ride. I want to have a different life. But like I've said before, Satan's grip is strong. When I try to come up with options so that I can stay home with my children, he reminds me I cannot live safely without insurance. When I try to disconnect by getting a phone without internet access, he reminds me I need the internet for my job which is my source of money for my family. When I consider earning less money, he laughs as he reminds me that I don't have the time to grow and harvest my own food because I'm working, so that money is necessary for survival. I suppose all we can do is pray for help. Some days, like today, I'm just angry that I'm on this ride. I want to get off and I can't, and I'm mad about it. I want to be able to live as God intended us to live, but Satan is holding me down firmly and I just can't get away. And that will remain true as long as I believe it and as long as I hear it. John 8:44-47 You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it. But because I tell the truth, you do not believe Me. Which of you convicts Me of sin? And if I tell the truth, why do you not believe Me? He who is of God hears God's words; therefore you do not hear, because you are not of God." Mark 11:22: And Jesus answered them, “Have faith in God.”
Most days, my faith is strong. It is unwavering, and the peace and joy that I feel from knowing that I can overcome death is enough to make me want to share the good news with anyone and everyone. And then there are weeks like this one. |
Sadie JensenI'm a follower of Christ seeking to know Him and live like Him. If you'd like to learn more, read my blog post about my faith journey here. Archives
November 2018
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