John 5: 14-15
And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for. Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith. John 15:7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. -------------------------- I could continue and share more verses, but I think I've made my point. All over the New Testament we are told to ask God when we are in need, to ask God in times of discernment, and to ask God when we are wondering what it is He wants from us. All we have to do is to ask and according to scripture, it will be given to us. I've been a dreamer my whole life. I dream about possibilities, of the future, about life. Recently, as I've reached this spot of major discernment in my life, my dreams have been big. Things are bothering me about public schools, and as I prepare for my oldest child to begin school soon, I dream of a school that's different...that doesn't push standardized testing, that doesn't force kids to sit in a straight line or to be quiet most of the day, that teaches kids to love learning for learning, that doesn't teach material that is not at a child's developmental level unless they're ready for it, and that doesn't squash the love of learning from children who are born naturally in love with learning. So, I act upon these dreams. That's another thing about these dreams; they aren't only dreams to me. I see them as truly having potential to become reality. I really believe that I can make them happen. In high school, I was a part of a really good volleyball team. Volleyball was my life; I lived it, breathed it, loved it. Everyday during the summer, I'd spend my mornings training and afternoons playing volleyball barefoot in my yard with my cousins. The weekends were devoted to tournaments, and my best friends were my teammates. Our hard work payed off; we made it through the conference undefeated, then rolled through regional playoffs, and then found ourselves in the final game before the state tournament (the ultimate goal of every high school team and my big dream). The night before the match, I envisioned us winning, I dreamed of us winning...I could feel my dream becoming a reality. Then, we lost. We didn't make it to state. I was so angry, so frustrated, so hurt. I couldn't believe that all of my hard work, all of my time, all of my love was just going to be taken away from me just like that. As a senior, losing this game meant that I would never play formalized volleyball with this group of girls again, and the though completely devastated me. I'd dreamed big, and my dream didn't come true. Even now, I still feel that lump in my throat as I think about it. It was a horrible reminder that not all dreams come true. Flash forward to today. Like I said earlier, I still dream big. In addition to wanting to build a charter school, I also have the dream of becoming a homesteader and being able to stay home with my two children. I dream about being able to live as God intended me to live: raising my children and in service to Him. I dream of a garden filled with food that will support our family. I dream of disconnecting and getting back to living in nature. I dream..... So, we talk about making this a reality. My husband and I are very seriously giving thought to selling our house and building a smaller cabin out on a 40 acre land plot we own to make this happen. I dream of being able to stay home once again, and I send out my proposals. First, I propose to the curriculum director of our school district my idea of starting a charter school. She seems interested; she's giving it thought... I also email a local online school with a proposal to start a community service program through their school where I would create personalized, academic based, project based learning opportunities for the kids to earn their yearly required 8 hours of community service. The principal there, too, is interested and has told me she wants to talk. My hopes are high, my big dreams might become reality! Then the curriculum director for proposal #1 emails back. She sees my dream as a valid dream, and sees my vision as the future of education. Yet, she doesn't think we'd be able to pull together enough resources to make it happen. Squash. Dream shattered. The principal from the second proposal emailed me back the one time, but has not emailed me back again. I've prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed that her heart be open to the idea, that she'd see all of the benefits, that she would recognize all the good this would bring to her school. Yet, she stays silent. She doesn't respond to my follow-up emails. I hold on to some hope, but right now, things don't look good. Now, my dreams of being a stay at home mom in my little cabin are looking bleak. I've prayed about it....I've asked God. He doesn't answer either. Why have I been given this "gift" of dreaming, when so often these dreams lead me to grief? Why does scripture say that we should ask in prayer and then receive when it's a lie? C.S. Lewis has been quoted: “I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God. It changes me.” Perhaps my prayers are not in vain. Perhaps I'm changing through these prayers, these helpless cries. Maybe the dreamer in me is being silenced because it's not what God wants. I think about my three year old who earlier today almost hyperventilated because we didn't let him have a candy bar before nap. We knew it wasn't good for him and I told him to trust me when I told him we were saying no because we love him. There was no reasoning with him, though, as he screamed about it being unfair and continued to cry uncontrollably. I did what I usually do when he gets that way, I picked him up, and I hugged him. I acknowledged his anger and sadness, but I stayed firm on my decision. Eventually he calmed down enough that we could move on, but today the experience got me thinking. Though I'm not screaming and crying (yet) about all of these dreams (dreams that I want so, so badly) seemingly being destroyed in front of me, I am still very sad and hurt that what I've asked God for isn't being given. It still seems really unfair and really awful right now. Maybe what I want isn't what's best for me...though it does seem like it is. Maybe God is looking at me the way I looked at my son this afternoon. He sees me and wants to comfort me while still staying firm in His "I'm sorry, but no." Right now, I'm not sure. I don't know what to think. I hope that God has a plan for me and doesn't just want me to give up dreaming...but maybe that's exactly what he wants. What I am sure of is that God is there to comfort me, regardless of whether or not my prayers are being answered. What I am sure of is that even when my dreams are crushed and I am sad and angry, my God is still good. Lord help me to be patient, to trust you, and to keep on praying- even when you seem to be silent. -Sadie
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Sadie JensenI'm a follower of Christ seeking to know Him and live like Him. If you'd like to learn more, read my blog post about my faith journey here. Archives
November 2018
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